Yes it is … and No I’m NOT – pt 1

Have you ever felt the universe was playing a cruel joke on you? That the people around you are all involved in some elaborate practical joke? Ever felt that your most innocent of actions will be misinterpreted with repercussions hilarious to all but yourself? …..  O just me then :(

Following are a snapshot of a few unfortunate incidents that seem to transcend the fabric of space/time and friend circles and come back to haunt me time and time again. For years I tried to avoid being put in that situation however when I least expect it … there it is and there I am again, the laughing stock of the lot.

From now on I intend to walk around with a banner that reads – ‘Yes it is … and No I’m NOT!!’ Read on to find out why –

It all began back in the year 2004 when I went to Bangalore with my cousin Dan, my neighbor Abi. We were there for the weekend and decided to drop in at one of the nearby pubs. Dan and Abi ordered their usual poisons however as I did not drink I was a bit lost in the alcohol menu. That menu to me was like a broken pencil – pointless! Noticing my clear confusion (oxymoron anyone) the waiter approached. Then as soon as I told him that I was a teetotaler his expression changed from genuine concern to absolute disgust –“but … but this is a bar” he said. I shrugged my shoulders and sank into my bar stool (which is not as easy as it sounds). After a quick pause he suggests I go in for a mocktail, something known as the bartenders special to be precise. I nodded in agreement. Not a puppy dog nod or an epileptic nod, but a manly nod – short, quick and very subtle (ladies do not read into that I was only referring to the nod). Soon the drinks arrived, well theirs did anyway; mine was late. I looked about impatiently as I know from past experiences that the guy not holding a drink in a bar stands out like a sore thumb. Little did I know that things were about to get worse, much worse.

By this time my cousin Dan and Abi were halfway down their beers when they stopped and stared out into the dimly lit bar. One of the waiters appeared to be holding something; something positively revolting. It was a fluorescing shade of pink and seemed to be dancing in the strobe lights. It had a long multicolored straw projecting well above the brim. The straw was flanked by two rather large strawberries which were in turn covered with a light sprinkling of whipped cream. Even the glass containing this bizarre concoction was oddly curvy in a very impractical yet suggestive way. It took me whole 20 seconds to take in how incredibly girly that drink was and was sure it could only be ordered be some really tacky girl with the need to OD on pink. It took my cousin and friend all of three seconds to realize that that it was my drink. Then it arrived … pinker and more girly that it appeared across the bar. Suddenly it sank in --- this was my drink. THIS WAS MY DRINK!! This was the bartenders special; Special What? Special Humiliation for coming to a bar and not ordering alcohol. 

I sat there, staring at the drink. Its rainbow colored straw staring back at me. Its whipped cream coated strawberries bobbing on either side of it. The incredible pinkness amplified and fluorescing by the UV lighting and dim surroundings. Laughter at the bar. Laughter so loud that no matter how hard you try, you cannot look away. Laughter by your own cousin and you best friend. I felt the walls close in on me. The music dimmed, faces disappeared (except mine thanks to the light next to my head). Whispers were heard (above the laughter) fingers were pointing, grinning teeth were seen, the two at my table were still laughing. Finally I had had it. Sat up straight, looking across at the crowded tables on either side of me I said – “Yes it is… and No I’m Not”. Then proceeded to take a sip of the drink, after moving the strawberries out of the way. It turned out that I hated the taste of the drink but no one believed me than and I’m sure they would not believe me now.

This was just the beginning… There is more … Much more… watch this space!

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